OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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