Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
