I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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