well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
