I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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