i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
