I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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