I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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