i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
