my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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