It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
