he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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