i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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