Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
