The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
