New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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