I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
