I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
