Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
