I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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