maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
