The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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