We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
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Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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