im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
