She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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