thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We have started to decorate penises.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
