She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
