There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
