i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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