I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
