Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
