Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
