Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
