"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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