Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
