My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
