I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
