I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
