What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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