I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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