Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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