don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
