I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
