I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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