my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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