I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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