Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
