I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
