my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i out mim tonsoeep
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
