i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
