You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
