I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
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we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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