If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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