you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
