Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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